I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
