I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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