My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
