I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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