Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
