Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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