I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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