so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize