I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
