You just made me feel so damn special
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
