True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
God, I missed his penis.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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