So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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