I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I've blown a few things in my day
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize