My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
