her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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