Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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