I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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