Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
