Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How does one acquire holy water?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
