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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
