well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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