so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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