I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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