I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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