I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize