My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
