No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
