I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
