good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
