I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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