Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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