I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
