I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
