I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
