Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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