Ambien. No doubt about it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
