so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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