if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
