Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the liver wants what the liver wants
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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