I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
