why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize