it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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