after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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