I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
