i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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