Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
