Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
