I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
