All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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