Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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