so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
