I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
