If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it's like iHOP with fire
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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