How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
