Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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