Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm both gender and math confused
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
