If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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