I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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