imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
