Where did you get a picture of my penis
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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