Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
