I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
