She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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