Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I wish there were birth control emojis
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
