So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
