i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize