Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
