Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize