Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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