Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I want to be your penis for a week.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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