My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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