My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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