went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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