A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
