he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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