my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize