I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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